Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

     Last night was a time of great sadness and anxiety for our country.  Sadness for those who have had to endure racism, sadness for police officers that are judged for a few bad apples, sadness for the politicizing of every single thing that happens right now, sadness for the evil that is running rampant all over the world, sadness for a virus that is killing our elderly and compromised, and even sadness over a man that would have so much hate in his heart that he would not have compassion on a dying man.   It would SEEM that is all that is happening across this great country of ours right now, but if you put down your cell phone, turn off your TV, and get out your Bible, you will discover that there is nothing new under the sun.  Evil is as old as time, as old as the devil wanting to be greater than God, as old as Eve taking that first bite.  Evil will be here until Jesus's return.  If this world is all you think there is, it is no wonder there is such hopelessness.  Praise be to God, this world is just a blip for those who believe in Christ.  I have argued over and over again that politics won't save us, the economy won't save us, science and medicine won't save us!  We are too far gone, all of us.  Only the blood of a risen Savior can save us.  But just like the Israelites, our hearts are too stubborn to listen, we all think we have the answers, and we are turning to everything but God. 

     Last night we ventured out for dinner.  We were having a great night, everything seemed to be getting back to normal.  We had just left Slick's and were on our way to take Cole back to his apartment which took us through downtown.  Nothing new for us as we do this every weekend.  We love our city, and every weekend we drive around downtown after supper.  Dudley and I both love to people watch.  So, we were quite surprised when we accidentally drove up to a protest happening right outside the court building.  We were driving along, and didn't notice in time, that protestors were running out into the middle of the road to stop traffic or to get away from the courthouse.  All of a sudden, there was a super angry white guy facing our car making crude gestures straight in our face, yelling F... Y.... , and then a black girl threw either a can or a bottle toward our car.  I was yelling at Dudley to turn around, and he was trying to and getting mad at me for yelling, and Cole seemed to be aggravated at both of us.  We quickly turned around and drove off, but the faces of those in the protest stayed with me all night.  Such anger and it seemed directed at all of us in the cars, as people drove off, we had made our way to the ramp, and in the confusion, a young man accidentally hit us from behind.  He was clearly shaken, and Dudley assured him it was ok, and we were on our way back home.  All of that probably happened in 5 minutes time, but it stayed with me all night.  This incident was absolutely nothing to what the people in Minneapolis, Seattle, Atlanta, New York, Dallas, and Los Angeles have experienced the last 3 or 4 nights, so I can't imagine how all of the people involved in these protests, riots, and looting are feeling.  So, I thought what can I do with all this anxiety and sadness? So, after I downed a couple of brownies, watched hours of the riots, looked at Facebook posts, I finally went to bed and prayed.  This morning, I woke up thinking what can I do with all my thoughts, and so I decided to do what I always do, I decided to write....

     How on earth did we get to this moment in history?  With the Corona Virus, I definitely felt God was allowing this evil to give us a moment to get off the hamster wheel of life and take a look at our many idols that we had put before Him, a time to repent of materialism, narcissism, hedonism, and the list goes on and on...  I felt He was giving us a moment to turn back to Him, back to spending time with our families, and to taking time to love each other.  For a moment, I felt that was happening, but last night I felt like all hell was breaking loose.  I started thinking in my little mind, "God, wasn't the virus enough?"  But maybe it wasn't enough, after all, aren't we still fighting over which doctor is right, who should and should not be president, to go out or to stay in, and now mask or no mask.  Really?  What good does that do any of us?  Instead, I feel like I need to take a good close look at how I am contributing to this madness, and repent.  So, that's what I did.  I started taking a hard look at myself to see if there is any racism in my heart.  I didn't know many black people until I started teaching at 24 years old.  I vividly remember one black girl at our elementary school, and she wasn't in any of my classes because she was deaf (back then special ed was totally isolated out of the mainstream).  I remember her to be very sweet and funny.  Then when I was about in 4th or 5th grade a black family moved into our apartment complex.  They were a military family.  They had strict parents, or what I considered to be strict, and we all quickly became friends with their son and daughter.  That was my first friendships with anybody of a different race than mine.  I know that I had no racist thoughts about that family, but I did, out of ignorance, say something really racist one day to my friend, Sophia.  I had gone with another friend to Smallwood, a school for students with behavioral disorders (my friend's mother worked there).  When I got back, I had had a real education to say the least, and Sophia had asked me about it.  I said, "You would have hated it, it was just a bunch of N....... running around."  I will never forget the look on her face.  I had truly hurt her.  In my defense, I don't know where I had heard that word before, but in my thinking it was used for black kids that were bad, just like back then the word "redneck" was used for whites that were bad.  I didn't understand that that word was evil and would be demeaning to a good girl like Sophia.  I shouldn't have used it for the other kids either, but once I did, and once I saw the pain in her face, I never used it again.  Sophia and James and I remained friends until they moved out of our neighborhood, as most military families do, but I never forgot that incident.  This was in the 70's.  I never wanted to hurt another person like that again, and I pray that I haven't.  So, I don't feel like I have ever struggled with racism, but I think I do struggle with people who mock God.  People that don't have the reverence for Him that I think they should.  I have to pray hard to control my anger about people that treat God flippantly, even though I have done the same thing.  People say you hate in others what you hate in yourself.  I do hate that part of me that rebelled against God in my teen years, and so I'm not very tolerant of that in other people.  I don't know what to do with that anger, because I feel like I have a right to be angry about that.  But do I?  Shouldn't I have the love of Christ flowing out of me, wanting to love these people where they are, prayerfully hoping that they too will turn to Christ?  When I see their nameless faces, screaming and twisted in anger, saying things like, "Prayer didn't flatten the curve, we did."  I don't feel love, I feel anger.  When I see someone bragging about having an abortion or bragging about how the abortion industry is a billion dollar business, I feel anger.  I don't feel anger over my friends that have had abortions.  I know their hearts, and they wouldn't have done it if they hadn't felt there was any alternative.  But it is different when someone is bragging about it, and throwing it in your face, and trying to make you feel like you don't respect women if you don't believe in abortion.  So, I just pray for God to take my anger away, but even Jesus felt anger when he threw the money changers out of His house of Worship, right?  I feel like we are in a war against evil.  I know we are in a war against evil, and right now it seems to have heightened.  But we are not without hope.  Those who believe and obey Christ will never be put to shame.  That is a promise of God.  We may lose tiny battles, but ultimately we win.  We must always choose obedience, choose life, choose peace, choose Christ, and pray that the Holy Spirit will give you the power to make those choices, because we cannot do it on our own.  That one thing is very obvious.  But do not despair, be anxious for nothing, and in everything present your prayers and requests before God with thanksgiving for He cares for you.  What two commandments did He leave us with?  To love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF!

He Conquered Death for Us

     As I write this blog, the whole world has found itself in the midst of a global pandemic.  In a matter of weeks, life as we know it ceased to exist.  Children were sent home from schools, employees started working from home, or worse, lost their jobs, sporting events were cancelled, and the list goes on and on.  We have literally been sent home to save lives.  How did we get here and what will come of all this?  Those are the questions that have invaded my mind, night after night, for the past two weeks.  If you will allow me a moment, I would like to share my. thoughts.  These are not highly theological thoughts, but rather just my simple observations that excite me to my core, and if I'm being honest scare me a little bit too.  I hope you will find them as uplifting as I do....

     Right at the same moment this pandemic started escalating, I had just finished reading the Bible in its entirety for the first time in my life.  I have read the New Testament many times over, but just couldn't get through the Old Testament.  It felt irrelevant to me and could not keep my wavering attention.  However, this time I read it to get to know Jesus.  You can't really love someone and commit your whole life to them if you don't really know them, so that was my sole purpose in reading the Bible in this particular season of my life; to know and to fall more in love with Jesus. I think I will forever be changed after seeing God's story of redemption from the beginning to the end.  I have always believed in God, but I have not always thought He loved me.  I thought of Him as this powerful person that knew every bad thing I ever did, and was constantly punishing me.  If something in my life didn't go right, then it was because I had done something that didn't please God, and I could think of only a few possible incidents that God would have been pleased with me.  After a time of thinking this way, I became angry and rebellious, spiraling down into a pit of shame and guilt.  I don't know how I could have misunderstood God so badly.  However, right before this global shutdown, I had been thinking for a while now, how badly a lot of people are misunderstanding God.  In my 55 years on this earth, I have never seen such irreverence to the God of the Universe, the Creator of Mankind, the Savior of Our Souls.  If you start surfing through the channels, you will see on almost every station people blaspheming God, rebelling against His Word, thumbing their noses at His commands, and saying vile and horrible things aimed at belittling His Glory and Splendor.  I'm not just talking about nonbelievers either, I've heard some pretty shocking statements from believers as well.  For instance, Oprah saying any path leads to God, or a friend saying that Jesus was just a good teacher like Muhammad or Buddha.  People I love consulting Hindu counselors or students I adore dabbling in witchcraft.  Society as a whole has rewritten God's holy standards for our lives to fit their way of living; redefining marriage, saying it's ok to kill a baby, not just in the womb, but out of the womb as well, and now letting kids decide their gender!  People have become their own gods, deciding their own truth, everything is fluid and relevant, nothing is secure and absolute, and yet it is!  There is absolute truth and it is a person.  It is Jesus.  He is a holy and just God.  He is also a very jealous God. I used to think that sounded kind of bad, like I thought we aren't suppose to be jealous.  However, after finishing the Bible, I realized He is jealous for us because He knows He is what is best for us; His way is what makes us happy and whole and bound for eternity to live in perfect union with Him forever!  Forever!! That huge whole in our heart that we try to fill with relationships, drugs, alcohol, sex, food, sports, power, beauty, money can only be filled with His love.  I am not saying all this to sound super pious, because I am as guilty as the next guy.  I am saying these things because I love you and I want you to find Jesus and to truly know Him (not a man made version of HIM)  I am also not judging, I have pursued many of those things most of my life when I thought I was pursuing Jesus, and still struggle with total surrender, but I know God wants our whole hearts, and won't settle for anything less.

      The Israelites in the Old Testament were rescued by God out of slavery in Egypt through Moses.  He provided for their every need. He directed their paths with a cloud by day and fire by night.  They were on their way to the Promised Land, a land flowing with milk and honey.  YET, it wasn't enough!  The parting of the Red Sea, the annihilation of their enemies, being God's chosen people, they had it all, but they griped and grumbled and wanted more.  They turned to idolatry.  They wanted their own way and in their own timing.  Even though they were God's chosen people, He gave them what they wanted, and they ended up wandering around in the wilderness for forty years!  All through the Old Testament, when the people turned to God and put Him in His rightful place as God, they enjoyed protection and good days.  They did not live in cowering fear, for they knew they were God's and He was their Father.  Then would things would be at their best, they would get greedy and impatient, and start consulting and worshipping other gods of their time, man made, useless gods, and they would fall, whole societies wiped out.  God was patient and kind, and would forgive them over and over as they repented and turned back to Him.  As I read the Old Testament, I was astounded how many times He would forgive them.  This cycle repeated itself over and over and over.

     After Adam and Eve first sinned, and caused the downfall of mankind, a blood sacrifice would always be required for God's forgiveness and redemption.  This would be a foreshadowing all through the Bible of the final blood sacrifice that would ultimately be required for our sins, our idolatry, our greediness, our pride.  God in his foreknowledge knew this all along, and because He loved us, He made a plan of redemption from before the beginning of time.  When Abraham was asked to sacrifice his one and only son, God provided him with a lamb for the sacrifice instead. This would be the first foreshadowing of God's ultimate sacrifice of His one and only Son to atone for our sins.  He made a way for us to enjoy a perfect union with the Most Holy God.  In the temple, to enter the Most Holy of Holies, a priest would have to purify himself and make sacrifices before he could enter and be with God, and now, God made a way for Christ to live in us.  We can talk to Him any time we want.  God sent His only Son to become flesh and dwell among us.  He endured the same temptations we endure, so He knows what it is like.  He was despised, shamed, beaten, nailed to a cross, and took on the guilt and shame of the WORLD so that we could be covered by His blood and be found righteous before His father.  NO OTHER GODS OR PERSON DID THAT FOR YOU OR ME, NOBODY LOVES YOU LIKE THAT!  Nobody and Nothing!  No other God!!  He is the way, the truth, and the life, NO ONE comes to the FATHER, but by HIM.  All He requires is our everything; our hearts, our lives, our obedience.  Not because He is greedy, but because He knows once we are His, we are covered.  Our sins are covered, we have the one true God living in us, and for us.  The corona virus may cause us to be sick or even kill us, but it cannot take our soul, if we are God's. Once you are a Christian, to die is gain, and we have nothing left to fear.  Becoming God's child does not mean we won't have heart ache and tribulation on this earth, this earth is broken, but it does mean God is with us and for us, and that He will redeem us from it all.  The only thing that keeps me up at night, is my fear for my family, loved ones, and friends, and even my enemies, that do not know Christ yet.  I eagerly await Christ's return, but not until I know the people I love are right with God.  I ask God to forgive me because I was not a good role model for my own family.  Just like the Israelites, when God had given me everything I ever wanted, a husband, a wonderful career, two precious boys, I started chasing idols again.  Things that looked good; pleasing other people, encouraging my kids to pursue things more than I wanted them to pursue God, sleeping in on Sundays instead of church, and the list goes on and on.   It would take not one, but two, near death experiences, the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law, struggles with anxiety within our family, struggles in my career,  my mom's accident and death, the death of my father-in-law, and many more personal things within my family to bring me back to God.  Just like the world right now, I was very guilty of putting other things and people before God.  My prayers are full of repentance and a turning back to the One who is worthy of my worship, and when I pursue righteousness, all these things will be added unto me.  The world can do the same.  We can repent, fall on our faces before a Mighty God, ask for the blood of Jesus to cover our sins, humble ourselves and obey...  Then He will heal our land.

     As I said in the beginning of this blog, two questions were running through my mind when this pandemic hit.  How did we get here, and what will happen as the result of all this?  The first question is answered...  We got here by our pride and sinfulness, thinking we could be our own gods.  Greediness for more and more, not being satisfied with God's bountiful provisions.  All our idols are on shutdown.  We did this to ourselves.  It's not just because somebody ate a bat!  God no longer pours out His wrath on His People, only because of Jesus, the Jesus we mock every day, but what He does do is allow us to experience the consequences of our sins, not to be mean, but to call us back to Him.  Our sins have consequences, believe me, I know.  What happens now is up to us.  Will this humble us or make us more rebellious?  Will we allow this pandemic to draw us back to God, or will we continue to be our own pitiful mini gods?  Medicine and science may save us from this pandemic, God willing, but will we be quick to forget like we did after 9/11?  Or we will take this time to allow Christ to change our hearts and minds.  I pray for a great revival to sweep across this world, and that we will honor Christ as the ONE TRUE GOD.  I pray mostly that I would keep God in his rightful place in my life for the rest of my days.  This is what excites me to my core, the hope of a nation turning back to God.  But like I said earlier, this is also what scares me too.  Unlike 9/11, I don't see society as a whole being humbled by this pandemic.  People are still being horrible on TV, fighting in their own families, hoarding toilet paper, or is that just what the media is showing us?  Hopefully, we are being humbled by this.  That is my prayer, and I hope it is yours too.

A Life Well Lived

   

     What do we want people to say about us after we are gone?  Do we want them to comment on our wealth, or how beautiful we were, or how our house was immaculate?  Once we are gone, do those things even matter at all?  Like the saying goes, "You can't take it with you!"  There is a passage in the Bible that says something to the effect if God doesn't exist, let us live for the day.  Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.  Now that doesn't mean any of those things are bad in themselves, but thanks be to God, we don't have to say that.  This life that would take a mother too soon is not all there is, we don't just have today, IF we have God.  I am so comforted to say that our friend, Cathy,  knew and loved Jesus.  How do I know this?  I know this by how she loved all those around her.  I know this by her servant heart.  How she was an amazing wife to Robert,  a loving mother to Coy and Cooper, an amazing daughter to her parents, a loyal sister to Debbie and Kim, a doting aunt to all her nephews, and a much loved friend to all of the rest of us.  The love of her Heavenly Father spilled over from her onto all of us.  She loved well!  There is nothing she wouldn't do for one of her friends or for her family.  Not too long ago several friends of ours got together to have brunch, and Cathy was the life of the party.  She beamed with pride when she talked about her boys and Robert, and she made us laugh hysterically when she told us about dressing Bodine for his son's wedding. Like I said, there was nothing she wouldn't do for any of us.  Cathy, Linda, and Debbie all came to my mother's memorial service, and I was so comforted to see them all there.  Our families have known each other since the third grade, and Cathy literally never changed.  She was always funny, always up for a great story or conversation, always ready to help, and always lit up any room she entered.  I will miss her laughter the most, and this funny little expression she would make with her eyebrows when something was really funny.  She is a reminder to us all to love God, love each other, and have a selfless servant heart.  This side of heaven we can't understand how God would take such a bright light from our lives, while so many other less appreciative people of life are left.  But I know this...  I know that God loves Cathy, God loves her family, and God loves all of us, and I know that he will give all of us, especially her family and her handsome boys and husband, the strength and courage for the days ahead.  I also know that we will see her again, I know that does little to appease the hurt now, but it will in the coming days.  We can learn so much from her life.  I know that I will try not to waste any moments with my family, that I will appreciate time more than I did before, that I will try to love more and better, because like Cathy, I want it to be said of me, "She loved God and she loved others well."  What more could we want from this life?  Cathy lived her best life, she didn't waste the moments, and she loved well, and now she is hearing from her Heavenly Father, "Well, done my good and faithful servant."  Let her life inspire us to live life to the fullest and appreciate our time together!  

Realizing Your Worth as a Child of God

   








   

     At the end of my junior year in high school I had totally come to the end of myself.  I had spent a year and a half doing everything imaginable.  I won't lie,  in the midst of my drunken binges, I thought I was having the time of my life.  My friends at that time, like me, were in a stage of feeling unnoticed, less than, abandoned, and so we just spent our nights and weekends having fun.  In my mind, they weren't doing anything wrong, they still had good lives in the morning, but I felt like my world was crumbling beneath my feet.  During that time I  was stupidly courageous, and (in my mind) oh so funny , and for that short time all my problems and insecurities would disappear.  But then the morning would come, and I would find myself filled with shame, remorse, and self loathing. With each binge, the self loathing would be a little worse than the time before, until I just wanted to die.  It was at that moment that I fell on my face before God and prayed the most heartfelt prayer of my life.  Through many tears, I prayed for forgiveness and for God to save me.  I told Him that I couldn't change on my own, that he would have to send help.  I told Him I did not feel loved or lovable and for him to please send someone that could help me experience His love in a tangible way.  God in his infinite mercy did just that. Not only did God provide me with amazing  friends at that time, who though they were in a similar predicament as me, were super supportive and motivating, but He also gave me my knight in a flannel shirt!

     My friends during my senior year and even my remaining friends from my junior year were so loving and supportive of me.  They would listen to my stories, and encourage me always.  We all had big dreams together.  We would ride around in our cars or lay out at the pool and just dream and laugh.  Many of my friends during that period were from Signal Mountain and were friends with Dudley.  So they were very encouraging when I said I wanted to date him.  Dudley and I had actually been friends since the 9th grade.  We even went on one date in 10th grade (he got mad at me because I changed our plans for our second date and that ended that).  However, we remained good friends.  Dudley always made me laugh.  He was just the nicest guy, and he was always so kind to me.  I was determined that he was going to be mine.  This felt different than my pursuit of other boys.  One thing I really loved about Dudley was that he would not let me tell him what to do.  He was just so strong, not just physically, but mentally.  He knew what he liked and what he didn't like, what he would do and wouldn't do, and there was no pretense about him.  He was totally opposite of me in that way.  Even after my heartfelt cry to the Lord, unknown to me at the time, I was still very much a people pleaser.  I was still looking for that love and acceptance that I had never felt before.  I knew my only hope was God, but I was still so broken, that it would take many more years to put me back together.  One of my good friends at the time was very close to Dudley.  They had been childhood friends and her boyfriend was one of Dudley's good friends, so immediately I put them to work.  There were many nights, my friend and I would drive to Dudley's house in Summertown at 2 o'clock in the morning, honking our horn, and getting him to come out and talk with us.  One time he went riding with us and I told him that I knew someone that liked him, but that he may not like her because she was kind of chubby! haha!  To which he replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't like her if she's fat!"  I was like, "I know her better than anybody else." (wink, wink) He continued to act like he didn't know I was talking about myself, but later, he agreed to meet us at a football game.  From that day on, there was not one day that we were apart.  We had so much fun!!!  Four wheeling, hiking, riding around trying to get scared, sledding, bowling, going to movies, hanging out at his house, hanging out with our friends, and the list goes on and on. I immediately fell in love with Dudley's family as well, especially his mom, Betsy.  She was the closest person to a saint that I have ever met.  She was just so amazing.  She worked three jobs when I first met her, but even doing that, she would always invite me to dinner or to family holidays, and I immediately felt a part of their family.  I was getting to see first hand in Betsy true holiness.  She was so Christlike.  She was a nursing instructor in the day, and on the weekends she would sit all weekend with one of her daughter's friends that had been hit on a motorcycle and was in a coma like state.  She would take care of the elderly or the sick.  I don't think I ever saw her sit down for more than 10 minutes.  She was always serving someone.  God was answering my prayers in such a big way.  However,  even though I was sincere when I asked God to save me, I guess I still thought that I could run my life better than He could.  How stupid and arrogant is that?  I think many twenty year olds don't want to fully surrender to Christ at that age because they think He will take away their fun or they don't want to give up their freedom.  What I didn't realize and they don't realize is the only way to be truly free is to surrender every aspect of your life, only then will you know true freedom.  But I was still stubborn, and even though I had quit binge drinking, my heart was still very sinful.  It was impossible to clean myself up on my own, but that is what I set out to do.  I read every Christian self help book you could find, and tried to imitate the people in those books.  I watched Christian television almost every night.  I watched my future mother-in-law so carefully, because I wanted to be just like her. I was like a sponge, but my heart was still wanting to please everyone more than I wanted to please God.  So, like my younger years, if I was with Christian friends, I would walk the walk and talk the talk, and if I was still with friends, that like me still didn't know who they really were in Christ, I would cuss, gossip, drink, and do all the things I did before (just not as bad as before).  I was literally still two different people.  I think my mom was the same way.  To some people, she was the most angelic Christian women, and then there were times she would do things totally opposite of her character.  I hated the incongruency in both of us, but it didn't stop us.  We didn't have clear boundaries, and we just always wanted the acceptance of everyone around us. We believed in God, feared God, but we did not feel worthy of God's love and forgiveness.  Therefore, there was still a lot of  pretense to my Christian walk.
      However, I was totally fooled into thinking I was living the way God wanted me to live, and after six years of dating Dudley, we were finally to be married.  That was one of the happiest days of my life.  I believed I was totally in God's will, that I was following Him closely, both Dudley and I were in church, and the first part of my dream was coming true.  Little did I know that I was still making the same mistakes I had made all my life.  I was looking to God as my big Santa Clause in the sky, and instead of truly pursuing Him, I was really pursuing the American Dream.  I was looking to Dudley for my security, instead of Christ.  I was still trying to look the part of a Christian wife, but without any true surrender.  I had almost totally quick drinking by then, thinking that meant surrender, which now I see as being so immature in Christ.  Christ was calling for a total surrender of the heart, for me to believe His words, to look to Him for my security and perfect love, and not to put all of that on my new husband.  Our pastor that had done our premarital counseling had told us that he predicted we would have two problems in our marriage, my deep insecurity and money.  He couldn't have been more dead on.  That whole message of not being good enough continued to plague my mind.  Every little suggestion Dudley would make on how to improve our lives or marriage I took as deep criticism and the assurance that he would definitely stop loving me, just like everybody else.  My father left his baby daughters, other boyfriends had left, Jesus couldn't possibly still love me after all the horrible things I had done, and Dudley would soon discover how unlovable I was, and he would surely leave too.  It was a hard road, but Dudley stood strong and has hung in there with me all these years, loving me in spite of my brokenness.
     Because of my brokenness and insecurity, I would put God and Dudley through so many tests.   I wanted to present the image of a perfect Christian couple setting up their first home, and I would do that by spending loads of money that we did not have.  With Dudley being very good with money, and me spending everything we had, it put a definite strain on our family of two.  Dudley had decided to go back to school to get his degree, and I was a beginning special education teacher that was really struggling to stay at her job.  I loved my students, but I was a terrible disciplinarian!  Once again my people pleasing was rearing its ugly head, and I just could hardly bring myself to discipline my students for fear they wouldn't like me.  Needless to say, they were able to totally run over me.  I would go home every day begging Dudley to quit, I was so miserable.  I'm sure that brought him great stress and anxiety, but slowly things got better, and we passed that hurdle.  Our marriage was solid because we truly loved each other and were serious about our commitment that we made before God and our friends and family, and yet we would have many struggles along the way.  I wanted control over everything. I wasn't willing to surrender to Dudley or to God, because I still had major trust issues.  I was still trying to earn my salvation, earn love, and earn acceptance.  It was a daily battle.  All my victories were always overshadowed by my failures.   Two steps forward, three steps back was the course of my life.
    Dudley and I immediately wanted children, even though we couldn't afford them.  After trying for years with no success, I went to a fertility doctor and discovered I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and was not ovulating regularly.  Great news for a girl that was all about trying to achieve and feeling like a failure!  My closest friends were getting pregnant left and right, and some already had children, and I just knew this was my punishment for being so horrible in my teen years.  My thinking always went to the worst about God.  He was still angry with me, maybe he hadn't forgiven me.  The shame was still buried deep.  As the fertility treatments started, I was blessed with two very special people who cheered me on each week, my dear friend Melanie, and the amazing nurse at the fertility clinic.  She would call me Angel and Lovey each week, and told me she was sure it was going to happen, as did Melanie.  Finally, after years of trying and two years of fertility treatments, I became pregnant and gave birth to a precious almost 10 pound baby boy, Ben Louis Cole Green.  I had never known a greater love.  I think I loved him so much it hurt.  He was perfection.  His birth gave me hope that maybe God was for me and still loved me.  Dudley's love became more apparent at that moment as well.  I could feel his approval and love for me in a big way, and it brought me reassurance that maybe he did love me as well.  When you base whether or not you are loved by your successes and achievements, you are leaving yourself open to so much pain, and a wavering faith.  I was like the believer that the Bible describes as being tossed by the waves, not solidly grounded in Christ's love. So in my mind, when things were going my way, according to my plans, God loved me, and when things went wrong, God never loved me and He was still punishing me for all the wicked things I had ever done.  Just like before, when I totally rebelled against God, my tendency was to do that again, but in a much more subtle way.  It was a very slow fade.  Just like the song lyrics, "It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away. https://youtu.be/QASREBVDsLk
      Right after God had given me the desires of my heart, which was an amazing husband and a beautiful, healthy baby boy, I was dedicated to be faithful to Him.  We were in church, I was studying my Bible, and that would continue through the birth of my next adorable, healthy baby, our red headed Jackson Creed Green, who brought so much laughter to our family.  When things were good, I felt close to God.  However, just like a spoiled child, if I was not getting my way, I would turn to other things for my happiness.  Things like food, or shopping, or looking to my kid's accomplishments as my self worth as a mother.  I was starting the same cycle all over again, totally unknown to me at the time.  I was trying to please people again, and teaching my kids to do the same. I wasn't teaching them about the unconditional love of God, about not earning salvation, but accepting it as a free gift, of learning to love God because of who He is and what He did for us on the cross, not for what he could give us or do for us, and I was totally trying to be my own god, trying to control everyone and everything (which by the way is exhausting).
     I believe God lets us totally get to the end of ourselves so He can finally become God to us.   Both of my pregnancies were extremely hard with hormone treatments and shots, violent sickness, Fifth's disease with Cole, placenta privea with Jackson, (which led to steroid shots, total bed rest, panic attacks, and a C-section), and during all of this Dudley going back to school, and a lack of money.  Shortly after this time period, Dudley started having extreme anxiety (I wonder why?) and I had a near death experience that led me to being in ICU for weeks and a surgery that would lead to many other health problems through the years.  With all the wonderful things that were happening to us, our boys, our time with family and friends, we would become neglectful of those good things, as we dwelled on the bad things that had happened to us.  After all God had brought us through, you would think our faith would be rock solid, but instead, at least for me, I was always fearful of what God would do next.  That fear of God and not trusting His goodness slowly crept back into my life.   God had saved my life not once, but twice.  He had given me a faithful, strong husband and two amazing boys.  I had discovered I had a brother from my dad that I had never known.  We were part of a huge loving family.  We both had meaningful jobs.  However, instead of praising God every day and living as His faithful child, I thought I could run our lives better.  When I look back, I think how could I be so stupid?  I thought the same thing as I just completed the first 16 chapters of the Bible and studied God's chosen people being led out of Egypt, out of slavery, on their way to the Promised Land, with God performing all these amazing miracles and provision along the way, and yet they would turn their backs on God and start worshipping man made idols.  Who would do that?  I'll tell you who, me!  How could I not see God being my Father all along?  How could I not see that he saved me from pregnancies before marriage, from being killed the many times I drove drunk, from being arrested, from being barren, from poverty, from marrying the wrong person, and most of all from being lost for the rest of my life?  How could God save me from all of that and me not trust Him enough to totally surrender my life to Him?  Was it pride?  Was it fear from being rejected so many times before by so many people, especially men?  Was that feeling of abandonment keeping me from experiencing the love of the one who would never abandon me?  Was it from unforgiveness in my heart?  Or was it just because I was so stubborn and spoiled that I wanted to run my own life?  I don't really know, all I know is that now, I finally want to surrender.  I want to have a genuine relationship with God, just because He loves me and laid down His life for me.  I want to know Him better and trust Him more, in the good and the bad.  I know now that nothing I do or don't do could earn my salvation, that instead, it is God's grace filled, undeserved gift to me.  All I have to do to qualify is to believe and trust.  I am not rejected or abandoned, but fully known and fully loved.  I am the daughter of the Almighty King and nothing can take that away from me.  I am not fatherless, but Father filled.  I am so thankful to be His, and I want everyone else to feel His love and redemption.  We have a good, good Father.  I pray you find Him for yourself.  

Do You Believe?

     I believe what you believe about Jesus is the most important thing about you.  I think it is the one factor that determines every other thing about your life.  I personally don't believe in true atheists.  I don't believe they exist.  God says that everyone will know He exists just by looking at nature.  Even the devil believes in God.  He believes in Jesus, in His birth, death, resurrection, and ascension into heaven as well.  But yet, He is still the devil.  He is still a liar and a cheat, the ultimate deceiver, the epitome of hate and all that is evil, and even he is a believer.  So it is not whether or not you believe in Jesus, but rather do you believe Him?  Do you believe His word? Do you believe He loves you? Do you believe that He is God? Do you believe that his death and resurrection covered your sins and conquered death for you?  What do you believe?

     I have been in church all my life, and yet there are aspects of God that I am just now realizing, or rather God is just now revealing to me.  I believe God reveals things to us when we are ready to receive them, and unfortunately, in all my rebellion and stubbornness, it has taken me a loooong time to mature enough that God could trust me with certain truths.  But for the past year or two, I just stand in awe at His goodness and mercy.  Last year, I heard for the first time that there were over 300 prophesies in the Old Testament that told of the Messiah.  The prophets, inspired by God, told exactly how the Savior would enter our world; born of a virgin, a descendant of David, pierced for our transgressions, and the list goes on and on.  Then, you can see with such clarity, that Jesus fit every one of those prophecies perfectly.  It gave me such assurance that Jesus was and is the true Messiah.  Another concept revealed to me this year is that Jesus has always been and will always be.  For my whole life, even though I knew Jesus and God are one, I just always thought that Jesus came into being, when he was conceived in Mary's womb, but that is not the case.  From the very beginning and before, God when creating the world and mankind knew that we would fall from grace.  He knew that we would mess up, and yet He knew He loved us and wanted to commune with us, and so He made a way through Jesus.  The Old Testament says that man was made in God's image, and in the Bible it says "our image", the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.  Jesus wasn't an afterthought.  There was a plan of redemption from the very beginning of creation.  How beautiful is that?  This is what makes the Christian God different from every other god.  He is a triune God.  Some people say He is the same as Allah, but He is not.  The Islamic faith doesn't believe that Jesus is God.  That is an extreme difference, since there is no way to the Father except through the Son.  Which leads me to the other thing I realized about God this year, and that is His holiness.  I have been reading the Old Testament through for the first time.  I have tried other times, but would always quit around Numbers, Deuteronomy, and especially Leviticus, but with a help of a commentary, I'm finally barreling through those harder texts, and what I have learned is how holy God is, and how extremely blessed we are to get to commune with Him every day and for Him to live in us through the Holy Spirit.  Before Christ, people couldn't even look at God because of his holiness and purity.  Also, for every sin a person committed, there had to be an unblemished sacrifice.  There were all these requirements for the Temple and for entering it and for keeping clean.  I think I have taken that holiness for granted for far too long.  I am just so thankful now for the sacrifice of Jesus as the unblemished Lamb to cover my sins and your sins.  We are so blessed.  We can come before God any time we want because of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  We have direct communion with the God of the Universe.  Why would somebody not want that?  I can think of several reasons.  I think some people believe they are too bad to be saved by God, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Jesus loved us while we were still sinners.  He died for the sins of all mankind.  We don't have to clean ourselves up anymore to come to God, Jesus made a way, and He will clean us up when we submit to Him and fall in love with Him and trust Him to be God in our lives.  That's good news, right?  Another reason people don't want to trust in God is because they want to be their own god.  They think they know what is best for them.  Shame, pride, and arrogance can all keep us from becoming a child of God.   

      So what do I believe?  I believe that Jesus is the one true God, that He conquered death for me and you on the cross, that He is love, that He is truth, that the Bible is His inspired word and every part of it is truth, that I can trust Him with every part of my life, and that I will live eternally in His presence one day.  It changes everything.  He gives me faith, hope, and love.  I pray that if you don't believe that you will ask him to reveal Himself to you.  He wants to know you and adopt you as His child.  My Christmas wish is that you will let Him be your Father.  You'll never regret it.  I hope this Christmas brings you the miracle of His love.  Merry Christmas!

     

Verses and Resources for the Fatherless

fatherlessgirls.net
lifefactors.org
focusonthefamily.com
godismydad.com
life factors ministries

Bible Verses for the Fatherless

Hosea 14:3

For in You the fatherless find compassion.

Isaiah 1:17

Learn to do right!  Seek justice, encourage the oppressed.  Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.

Psalm 82:3

Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless, maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.

John 14:18

I will not leave you as orphans:  I will come to you.

Friends are Friends Forever if the Lord is Lord of Them

    When looking at my blog, I realize I may have gotten off track, and started making it more about me and less about fatherless children and single moms.  I also realize that it may have sounded like I was trying to blame other people from my past for my failures, and I promise that is the last thing on earth I wanted to do.  Nothing led me down my path of being separated from God, but my own insecurities and rebellious nature, so I only have myself to blame.  And, like I said, I wouldn't change one bit of it, because all of it led me to where I am now.  I remember one time reading somewhere that our lives are like a huge tapestry.  If you look at the tapestry from the back, it looks like a huge tangled mess.  That mess represents our failures, our hurts, and when we have hurt others.  But, then you turn the tapestry over, and it becomes a beautiful picture.  This is our life when we allow God into the picture.  He doesn't say that we won't suffer, or that nothing bad will ever happen to us.  In fact, He says in this world you will have suffering.  But He also promises to use all of it, the good and the bad,  to create something beautiful for our good and His glory.    I cherish all of the moments and friendships that have made up my life.  Other than God and family, friendship is the most important thing to me.  I count everyone I have ever encountered in my life as my friend.  I don't have ill will toward anyone, and that is such an amazing feeling.  If you have been a part of my life, in any shape or form, I am thankful for you.   Like the Michael W. Smith song says, "Friends are friends forever if the Lord is Lord of them!"  Thank you for being my dear friend.

"Friends"

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter of your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And with the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show

We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

To live as friends

Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

No a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

Michael W. Smith