God, Are We Ok?

In the last five years,  I've had a lot of time for contemplation.   Really, it's the first time I've really had this much freedom to think since my teens,  college, marriage, my sons, and 31 years of work.  This period of deep soul searching came after leaving a work family I loved (still love) with all my heart, and after losing my sweet mom, and becoming an empty nester.   To say the tears have been many is quite the understatement, ask anybody that has been around me.  Nonetheless, it has been a very sweet time of alone time with God.  I think I've learned more about my relationship with Him in the last five years than I have my entire life.  But with that learning, one big question kept coming to my mind, "God, are we ok?"

Really, left on our own, none of us are OK.  We are all sinners, all imperfect people, totally lost without Jesus.  Christ said, "There are none righteous, no not one."  Not one of us has ever been good enough to merit God's love and the sacrifice of His Son on the cross.  I've never had any trouble accepting this idea. I have always been well aware of the depth of my depravity.  However, my walk with God has not sounded like the typical testimony of other Christians, or at least I don't think it has.   In fact, it has sounded more like the Israelites and their wandering around in the desert.  Or was my story more like the prodigal in the Bible, where the son leaves the father and spends all his inheritance on worldly pleasures and ends up eating with the pigs in the muck and mire, finally, returning to the father to be accepted back into the family.  Or was I more like the different types of soil, where the seeds fell on rocky ground, and the thorns and thistles choke it out, where it didn't produce anything?  Or throughout my life, have I been all of those?  I would have to say I have been all of those, and coming to that realization, I started questioning my salvation.  Thus the question, "God, are we ok?  So here's my feeble attempt and God's amazing, overwhelming, unmerited grace in answering that question.

I was blessed to be born into a Christian home.  Sadly, my dad died in Vietnam before I ever was able to have a memory of him, which left me with this longing heart for a father.  My dear mother tried to fill that whole in every way she could with her unconditional love and her constant presence.  She was always there for us, always.  Her other gift to me and my sister was to have us in church from the day we were born.  I don't ever remember not believing in Jesus.  I loved Him as a little girl.  I loved learning about Him, singing Jesus Loves Me, going to church.  It gave me a sense of belonging and safety. So, in first grade I was baptized, I believed in Jesus and of His death on the cross for me.  I was thrilled!  That day, I invited my friend to accept Jesus too, and told her about how she could be saved as well.  I wanted everyone to know Christ.

Things went well for a while, until I started feeling this nagging feeling that things weren't quite right.  There was this growing sense of insecurity and fear.  I had always had extreme separation anxiety from my mom.  No matter how many bedrooms we had in our house, my mom, sister, and I always slept in the same bed.  Also, I would never spend the night away from home.  At night, when it got quiet, I would make mom tell me stories until I fell asleep.  That way I could be sure she was still alive.  I think part of that fear came from losing my dad, but I was also terrified I would be an orphan one day.  Also, my exposure to the world wasn't really filtered as it should be for a child.  I feel like I was exposed to everything at an early age.  Things like my mom's boyfriend's "ex" coming to our front door with a gun screaming and cussing at my mom for holding her son, or the time my mom wanted me to fall asleep, and so when this salesman in a trench coat came to our door, she told me he was a robber to be quiet and go to bed!  I was petrified!  There was also a time when my friends and I were playing in the woods, and came upon who we thought to be a dead woman!  (She was homeless and had fallen asleep in the woods).  And all this was before 2nd grade! I would do things like carry my Bible around with me, or pray, but I was still very scared.  I think what really upped my fears though was this very well-meaning play at church where people were thrown into hell, screaming and crying if they had lived bad lives or welcomed into heaven, if they had lived good lives (or that's how I understood it as a child).  Even at a young age, I knew I was far from perfect.  Therefore, my great love for Jesus slowly became a great fear of God settling into my soul.  The sense that I wasn't good enough for His love was always in the back of my mind.

In my elementary years, there were numerous moves.  First from Texas to Tennessee, then numerous moves around Chattanooga.  We started out in the Lake Shore area in a house that we clearly could not afford.  For one year, we lived in a 5 bedroom house near the dam, even though we all slept in the same room.  Mom lost most of her money in that house and the furniture she bought to fill it.  The house was sold, along with most of the furniture, all at a great loss.  We then started a series of moves through various duplexes and apartments, I think before my senior year we had moved 13 times, which radically increased my insecurity.  Luckily, I only had to change schools 7 times.  So on top of the fear and insecurity, a feeling of great loss was added, creating the perfect storm.  I was constantly having to make new friends, and I became a major people pleaser.  

In third grade, I was in church every time the doors were open.  We went to Sunday school, the morning service, the night service, choir practice, GA's, and was involved in things like Bible drills and every other activity that took place.  However, that same year, I was also introduced to the unsupervised world known as the skating rink.  When I wasn't in church, I was at the skating rink with kids of all ages.  That was my first real exposure to boys and everything else.  Actually, my exposure to boys started at a much earlier age.  Growing up I remember watching daily soap operas with my mom and Elvis movies.  I truly believe this is where the idea that a handsome knight in shining armor would be the answer to all my insecurities and fears.  I kind of think that is what the American dream has always tried to sell us.  Think about it....  You grow up to be a good girl, you make yourself as attractive as you can, you search for a loving, kind, handsome man that will cherish you and make you his wife, taking care of all your needs and eventually  you have perfect children, who will all surround you with love and laughter and security. Needless to say, as these ideas took root in my brain, God slowly became the means to the end.  I would be a good Christian girl and in exchange God would give me a good Christian boy who would be the answer to all my problems.  It is a delusion that many people fall for, and when that delusion falls apart, all heck breaks loose, just watch Dateline and you'll know it is true.  (Not that Dudley wasn't a good Christian boy, but he was not supposed to be God to me)

Therefore, entering junior high I was longing for all things Americana; popularity, fun, boys, and to be accepted.  Luckily, at my school that meant being a Christian and being a good girl.  So, my relationship with God became kind of  hypocritical.  I was starting to try to be my own god.  I was making decisions that lined up with my dream and not with God's will for my life.  I didn't realize it at that time, I truly thought I was following Christ, but really I was following Christ for what I thought He would provide for me, which is a huge recipe for disaster.  My security was wrapped up in what other's thought of me, of having a boyfriend, of having lots of friends.  In other words,  my security was in everything but Christ.  So when things were good, I was great, and when things were bad, I was as close to being suicidal as you can be.  It was an extremely wild rocky road that eventually led to a total breakdown and rebellion in my mid teenage years.  I literally remember saying to myself, "They think this is bad, I'll show them bad!"   Thus starting a severe two year rebellion I'm very surprised I survived.  

Lots of events started that two year rebellion.  I had experienced so much rejection (at least in my mind).  Everything I had previously been involved in at school was gone.  I started missing school a lot.  My mom had almost died and had been admitted to the hospital for a little over a month, and my sister and I were living alone in our apartment.  I was pretty much totally dependent on friends for rides and food.  I was petrified and started drinking heavily.  I just didn't care.  I felt like there was no way God could still love me, I loathed myself.  By the time mom returned home, I was at rock bottom.  I finally got to the end of myself and realized I could not be my own savior (or at least I thought I had).   I needed God in a huge way.  So, I remember falling on my face one night and praying to God, "Please save me God, please show me that you still love me. Please send me someone that can show me your love."  Soon after that, God would answer that prayer.  What I still didn't realize then was that I was still wanting someone or something else to be my savior."  

God answered that prayer by sending me Dudley and his family.  Dudley was super strong, protective, hilarious, handsome, and he treated me so well.  We had gone on one date years before, and I had made him mad by not being at home when he came to pick me up for our second date (I had left word with my mom for him to pick me up at a friends).  I guess he thought that was really disrespectful (it kind of was) and so he remained friends with me, but never asked me out again.  Which I think that was providential as well, because  I really think God knew that I would have to go through so much before I could get to a place where I could settle down.  So this time, I pursued Dudley, until I finally caught him:). After that next first date, we were never apart!  Ever!  We have so many great memories for that time of our lives, growing our relationship and figuring out life.  Dudley's parents were the icing on the cake.  They treated me like their own and loved my mom and sister too.  Betsy was super special.  She was the most Christ like woman I had ever known.  She was so graceful, loving, hard working, self sacrificing, disciplined, and truly the most giving, nonjudgemental person I had ever met.  She lived what she believed, and her actions more than her words taught me what it looked like to really live a Christ like life.  

So, that is exactly what I set out to do, I would live like Betsy.  You can imagine my frustration with that.  I couldn't be Betsy, because I'm not Betsy.  I also couldn't live like Christ by sheer discipline and self effort, NOBODY CAN!  In the Bible Belt, that is basically what we were taught in the 70's and 80's; we were taught don't drink, don't smoke, don't have sex, go to church, sing the songs, carry the Bible...... (or that's the way I heard it)

None of those things can save you.  But that's what I knew, and I set out once again in my own strength to accomplish a Christlike life.  Even though Dudley and I were married, going to church, living moral lives (from the outside at least), I was still feeling super shame over my rebellious years, and failing miserably at living a Christian life.  I had made an idol out of my husband, then my children, and any other thing I relied on for my security, love, happiness......  I thought I loved God with my whole heart, but there was still something missing.  A huge gap in my heart.  I wanted the American dream more than I wanted God.  I wanted and pursued God for what He could give me instead of for Him and Him only.  I was still trying to be my own savior and living life pretty much exactly like I wanted too.  I was like the Israelites roaming around in the desert, enjoying time with Dudley and my boys, but my relationship with God was still filled with fear, worry, and doubt.  I never doubted God's existence, or in Jesus's death an resurrection from the cross, and on the infallibility of the Bible.  I 100% believed all those things and knew they were my only hope in life, but there was no peace in my heart.  

For a long time, I dwelled in the happiness of my family, with a silent storm brewing underneath the surface.  We were having the best time!  Our boys filled my heart with the greatest joy and love.  I have always thought they were perfect (which I don't suggest for anybody because it puts way too much pressure on them).  A mother and son's love is very special.  My love for them showed me how much God must love me.  It also showed me how much was sacrificed by the Father and Son on the cross for sin.  Yet, my fears grew even more.  How could I survive the loss of my husband or one of my precious boys?  In the first part of my life, I had made my mom my idol and savior.  Then, I had made Dudley, and now my boys.  Our families are given to us as blessings, but they are only on loan to us, they are God's children first, ours second.  They are not to replace God.  You are not to find your security or identity in your family, that is reserved for God, and Him only. We can love our family the way they are supposed to be loved when we love God most, then His love can flow through us to them.  Otherwise, a parent's love is selfish.  I regret that I didn't learn this when they were little, but God is so good, even though my life was a wreck inside, I believe He protected my boys from all my mistakes, well most of them anyway.  The biggest mistake I made is that I didn't demonstrate how to put God first.  I didn't know how much sin I was living in as far as idolatry, falsehood, and other less noticeable sins.  I was trying to look good on the outside when my heart was still not right.  I was trying to live a godly life from a place of fear and not from a place of love.  I didn't know God rightly, although through the years in His own timing He began to reveal Himself to me, slowly but surely.  

Things in our family began to fall apart right before my retirement.  Everyone I loved, including myself, was going through major trials and frightening situations.  Anxiety permeated throughout our family.  But in the trials, God drew close.  He was there when Betsy and Ray died. and then again when my mom died, I had never felt His presence more in those moments.  My worst nightmares were being imagined and yet God was good.  That was the beginning of the melting of my heart.  Because my anxiety was at an all time high, I felt it was the right time to retire and be home with my family.  I loved my job, but I was an hour a way and I felt like they needed me more than ever.  After the death of our parents,  Dudley and I found ourselves having to be true grownups.  It brought about so many questions about our own lives, mine more than Dudley's.  So there was this time of looking back, and I didn't like what I saw within me.  I set out on a journey to really know God.  So I spent a lot of time reading my Bible through for the first time in my life, going to Bible studies, going back to the church where I had my rebellion, and pursuing God with my whole heart.  NOW, I had finally gotten to the end of myself.  I could not save myself, I could not forgive my guilt and shame, I could not love people rightly, I needed Christ more than I needed anything else.  It only took me 55 years to figure that out!  God has blessed me in so many ways since then.  My heart is at peace, most of the time.  I know who I am now (most of the time) and I depend on people way less for my security (even though I'm still a work in progress).  I finally believe God's death on the cross erased my sins and so now I can live like they are erased.  I fear a lot less, because I finally believe in God's goodness.  I finally, don't just believe in Him, I believe everybody believes in Him, but I finally trust Him.  He is my Savior, My Redeemer, My friend, My Security, My Everything.  I tell you all this, because I don't want you to go through 55 years of struggle and putting your faith in the wrong things before you find Him too. Ask yourself what do I put my trust in?  Really think about it, pray about it, pray for God to let you know Him.  Nothing else can bring you security, freedom, unfailing love, and eternal life.  Not even the best of things...  God gave us two final commands;  Love the Lord your God with your whole heart, soul, and mind and Love your neighbor as yourself......  Make that your pursuit.

An Orphan Spirit

       If there is any story in the Bible I would not want to identify with it would be the story of Lot in Sodom and Gomorrah!  But after studying the story online with Joy from Barn45, I have never identified with a biblical character more than Lot.  Lot did not have a father, and Abraham had taken him under his wing to mentor and raise.  There came a point where they could no longer stay together because of their herds not having enough land, so Abraham allowed Lot to pick his land.  Lot, unfortunately but not accidentally, pitched his tent right outside of Sodom and Gomorrah, an extremely wicked city where not one person was following God,  a very depraved and dark atmosphere.  Eventually, Lot found himself and his family living within the city gates, much like we all do when we experiment with sin.  We take that first drink, or take that drug, or get into compromising situations that tempt us to sin.  When you have an orphan spirit, much like I did growing up (even though I had the most loving mom), you fear that Jesus is not enough, so you start looking to other people and other things to fill that gaping whole in your heart.  Sometimes those things can even be God given gifts, but then you make them more than gifts, you make them counterfeit gods.  We think this person or this job or this lifestyle will complete me, and we live a lie.  A deceptive lie straight from satan himself.  

      So the story of Lot continues when God sends angels to destroy the city of Sodom and Gomorrah, but before they leave Abraham pleads with God if there is anybody righteous in the city would He please  spare their lives and save them.  God promises Abraham that if there are any righteous He will save them.  God does not want any to perish, He loves and pursues His children.  He doesn't want you living in sin or even dabbling in sin, because He knows what it will do to you.  Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  He prowls around like a lion looking to keep you from all that God has for you.  He is the father of lies.  He can turn your family into an idol, or a seemingly harmless habit into an idol, even a job or a pastorate into an idol.  So, God does as He promises, and sends the angels to Lot's house to warn him and his family to flee the city before God destroys it and not to look back.  While in Lot's home, ALL the men of the city come to storm down Lot's door so as to have sex with the male angels that have come to save Lot's family and destroy the city.  And Lot, in his orphan spirit, goes out to them and offers his daughters in place of the angels.  I used to think, why is something so horrible even in the Bible, Lot is suppose to be the one righteous man in this city, so why would he do this?  But it occurred to me, it's because of him still not believing in God's goodness or His enoughness.  Lot still doesn't truly believe that God can save him, so he is so fearful, he offers his only daughters.  His fear of man is greater than his fear of God.  I have lived with that almost my whole life.  People with an orphan spirit can resort to desperation when they do not place their trust in God.  Symptoms of desperation include constant availability to all people, no boundaries (HELLO!), the disease of people pleasing, willingness to compromise our standards to please other people, and a great neediness for validation!!  This basically describes most of my life, definitely my younger years and my early years of motherhood, and I still find myself struggling with this from time to time now. 

     Despite Lot's lack of belief in God to save them or protect them, God does it anyway through the angels (His grace and mercy are so great).  The angels cause all the men to suddenly be blind and they go away.  The angels then tell Lot to go get his son-in-laws, who refuse God's salvation, and his daughters and wife and that they are going to quickly flee the city before God destroys everything there.  Once again, Lot hesitates, but God in His loving mercy and grace, just like he does all His children, has the angels take them by the hand and lead them out.  God always provides a way out, you just have to take that small step of faith.  I have to take that small step of faith.  While they are fleeing the city, Lot's wife, does exactly what the angels told her not to do, and she looks back, and when she does she immediately turns to a pillar of salt.  I think she was looking back to the city with longing and regret of leaving, and not believing what God had for her would be far better.  She lacked belief in God's goodness.  Every time we sin against God, we are failing to fully believe in God's goodness.  We are stupid enough to think we know what's best for us, better than the God of the universe.  How can we stop doing that?  We have to get to know God better.  We have to pray for God to open our eyes to His goodness, to how much He loves us.  We have to remember DAILY the Gospel which is the good news that God, wanting us as His children, sent His only Son to die a wretched death on a cross to take on all our sins and shame and bear them once and for all, so that when God looks at us, he doesn't see our wretchedness, our sins, but instead when we believe, we take on Christ's righteousness, so we can have a son/daughter relationship with God.  We become white as snow, no matter what we've done in the past.  

     The story does not stop there, and God provides Lot and His daughters a safe place to dwell, but Lot once again in his fear of God's goodness, says He doesn't want the place God provides, he wants to go to this small city of Zoar.  Lot didn't want to go all the way to the mountain, because that is where, in the Bible, people went to meet with God, to sit in His presence, to hear from God.  When God rescues us, He doesn't desire to leave us where we are, He wants to transfer us to the Light.  The Light can be painful at first, or maybe for a while.  It may require cutting ties with certain people, or giving up our idols that we have always used to escape pain or numb out,  or getting out of an abusive or unhealthy relationship, or it might mean confronting your people pleasing tendencies, or your need for validation.  The mountain and the opening of our eyes can be extremely painful because it exposes our sins and all their consequences and all the people that have been hurt by us.  It's like a surgery of the heart.  Surgery is usually always painful, but afterwards, you, especially in the hands of The Surgeon, will be better than new.  You will be transferred to the Light, to a peace you have never known, to joy.  You will have contentment in all situations because you know you are in the hands of a good, good Father.  I am longing for that place of contentment and am in the stripping away process and it has been painful.  Mostly, because I see how I have hurt others.  However, I am finally starting to believe in God's goodness and in His love for me and His love for my family.  I am ever so slowly releasing my tight grip on the wheel, and allowing God to drive the car.  I'm finally starting to love God instead of being mad at Him or scared to death of Him.  It is taking lots of prayer, Bible study, and fellowship with people who are already there or struggling alongside me, but it is now a good struggle.  

     Lot, however, continued to remain in his fear.  He refused the transfer to Light, and instead of going all the way to the mountain, he stopped and hid in a cave with his two daughters on the side of the mountain.  They were still hiding and fearful, not believing in God's goodness and provision.  So while in the cave, after all their belongings have been destroyed in Sodom and Gomorrah, they have salvaged their wine.  Presumably, one of their idols that were clinging to desperately.  Wine is a good God given gift, but in the hands of someone living in fear or trying to numb out from their dissatisfaction with their life, it can be a highly dangerous thing.  And in this situation, that is exactly what this was, because the daughters living in the same fear and lack of belief in God's goodness and provision, decided on a very desperate act.  They decided to get their father drunk and sleep with him!!  Lot was so drunk that even after happening two nights in a row, he was unaware of what he had done with his daughters.  You would think this family is at the point beyond redemption.  Time after time, Lot has decided to not believe in God fully, and it has led him to two grandsons being born in incest.  These two babies eventually led two groups of people that were constantly against Israel.  Everything seemed to be lost, BUT GOD!  God in His infinite wisdom and mercy decided to allow Christ's lineage to come through the Moabites.  The Moabites were the descendants of the oldest daughter's son.  They were not a good people, BUT Ruth was a moabite!  And through Ruth and her descendants came Jesus.  God  chose this highly dysfunctional, incestual, family for His son Jesus to be born.  Why would He do that?  Why not pick a perfect righteous family (really there is no such thing). but He picked this family to show nobody, no family is beyond redemption.  He is not only our Savior but He is our REDEEMER!!  We just have to believe, repent, and turn and follow Him.  We no longer have to look to counterfeit gods that only temporarily satisfy us or numb us to our pain, but we can turn to the true God of the Bible that fills our heart with his all encompassing love.  We become His children and we can get rid of all fear because He cares for us.  Just take His hand, take that first step toward the mountain, pray and spend time with Him, and let Him open your eyes to all that He has for you.  I promise you you won't be sorry!!  He is enough!

#trustinGodsgoodness

#orphanspirit

#leavefearbehind

     

My Search for Hope

      Where is your hope?  Where do you put your trust, security, identity?  Most people put their hope in family, careers, children.....  All of those things are amazing!  And that is exactly what I did, I believed the lie that my husband would complete me, my career would make my life matter, and my children would make me eternally happy.  Don't get me wrong I have an amazing husband, the most awesome boys, and I had a very long enriching career.  But what happens when all that is gone, as you age, you lose spouses, your children have their own families, and your career ends?  Seems extremely dismal doesn't it?  But does it have to be that way?  How can you have all those things, enjoy those things, but then still have hope and joy at all stages of life?  Or even have hope and joy if you have none of those things.

      Since my retirement, the world has experienced immense grief, loneliness, financial hardship, racial unrest, confusion, sickness, depression, anxiety, war, hate,  and natural disasters, and when you're retired and sitting on your sofa watching all that in real time you can become extremely cynical and anxious.  That was exactly what was happening to me.  Leave it to me to retire right before the most isolating time in American history!  I wasn't really able to enjoy anything, which lead me on my search for hope and real joy.   A hope and joy that isn't based on our circumstances, but a real substantial, never changing hope.  A Rock, you might say, on which to stand.  So, in typical Sharla fashion, and for less than noble reasons, I joined every Bible Study I could find.  I was wanting to know the Bible better, but I was also looking for social interaction too.  I have to say it was the best thing I ever did!  Right now I am in three different groups!  All equally beautiful and wonderful and original in their own right.  I have come to love these ladies so much.  They are my sisters in Christ, and I will forever be grateful for what I am learning from them.  So what have I learned?

      I'm glad you asked:)  I have learned that we definitely need each other!  We need friendships with other believers to encourage, correct, and even rebuke us.  God made us for fellowship, not to be lone vessels navigating life.  The next thing I have learned is that our lives on this earth are just blips!  They are vapors, here today and gone tomorrow, so we better make good use of our time.  Not in a frenzy kind of way, but we need to enjoy the day, live in the present, and not worry about tomorrow.  That is very easy to say, but not as easy to do, so how do we do that?  How do we get rid of anxiety and fear?  WE LOOK UP!  You concentrate on what is good, noble, and just?  What is good, noble, and just in this world?  God and His word!  There is soo much wisdom and hope contained in the Bible, even in the hard things and the hard books.  The Bible as a whole is a complete story of God's redemption of His people and the world from beginning to end.  Once you know the whole story you can breathe a sigh of relief and find hope and joy even in the hard times, because you know God's redemption of us and this world will one day be complete.  That's great news!  

      Nonetheless, on this journey, I have encountered concepts that weren't bringing me hope right now in the middle of my messy life.  At my loneliest moments, at my darkest times, I kept thinking to myself, I need hope right now God.  Heaven or your return seems so far away, how does that bring hope and joy right now in our darkest places?  Especially, if I still know and love people that don't know you yet.  I wanted hope for right now.  Today....   When the world around us keeps getting darker and darker,  when our loved ones are enduring horrible life threatening illnesses, or our financial burdens are weighing heavy on us, or one of our kids are leaving the faith, or living in a time where wars are breaking out, how can we have hope in the present?  I desperately have been searching for that answer through sermons, podcasts, books, and studying the Bible, and here's the thing.  Every time I would hear preachers preach about the end times or Jesus returning or judgement, the way I heard it sounded extremely scary to me.  It shouldn't have, but it did.  Not because I felt unforgiven or lost, but because if Christ returned right now, all I could think about is how many people would be separated from Him eternally.   When I looked at social media or the news and saw such visceral hate on people's faces, I imagined them stuck in an eternal hell, and it really began haunting me.  When I saw the world getting darker and darker, it felt like evil was winning.  But guess what, that's exactly what the disciples must have felt when Jesus was being nailed to the cross.  They had seen such hope, the blind could see, the deaf could hear, the lame could walk, and then all of a sudden their Savior who had made that happen was breathing what they thought was His last breath.  Even though they knew He said He would rise again, at their darkest moment, THEY FORGOT.  And now in 2022, I too tend to forget all the wonderful things He has said!  So I would like to remind myself and you of Christ's words of hope....

      First and foremost, Jesus loves you.  He loves you enough to die on a cross for you.  He paid the ultimate sacrifice to bridge the gap between you and God so you can stand righteous before Him, that you can become His Child, and have all the inheritance that a Father gives His children.  Once you become His Child by faith, you no longer have to ever fear death!  You will never die, you will just leave this world and wake up with the Father.  Christ conquered sin and death!  The same resurrection power that raised Christ from the dead, is given to every believer to overcome sin.  When you put your faith in Christ, you become a living stone, just as Christ is a living stone, being built up into a holy temple.  That means when you place your hope and identity in being a child of God, He makes you a totally new creature, and He starts working on you through all things, good and bad, to make you more like him.  He makes you more loving, generous, kind, patient, self controlled, and as each individual believer dies to self, they come together to be a part of Christ's kingdom, and that kingdom continues to grow.  So on earth, that looks like Christians infiltrating the earth with goodness.  That looks like racial equality, that looks like food pantries for the poor, that looks like programs to help the disabled find their purpose in the world, that looks like being a Big Brother or Big Sister to a struggling kid, that looks like prison ministry, that looks like babysitting for single moms or single dads, that looks like trade workers doing their best job to make spaces better and lives better, it looks like people putting in an honest days work, it looks like putting your grocery cart back, or picking up litter.  It looks like infiltrating the darkness with the brightest lights!!  Until one day when Christ returns and gives us a new heaven and a new earth to continue all these good things in, but then they will be done perfectly.  Until then we will still battle our flesh, and so we won't be perfect, but that will be our goal.  Loving Christ with all our hearts, mind, and soul.  Loving each other as we love ourselves.  And remembering in the hard places, that God is working whatever you are going through to make you better, to make you more like Him.  If you are Christ's, you can trust him to redeem you.  He did not come to condemn the world but to save us!  Put your faith and hope in the only One who is worthy, Jesus Christ, and all things will seem dim in the light of His glory and grace.  Being a Christian should never be boring or hopeless.  We have a great commission!  Let's bring light to the darkness!

       

Dear 20 Year Old Self

Dear Sharla,

     You are just turning 20 and there are so many things I wish you would have known or realized at this age.  You have been dating Dudley for a couple of years now, and God has granted you the love of your life, but I want to tell you he cannot be your Savior.  He can help you find Him, by loving you like Christ loves the church, but he can't replace Him.  When you fell at God's feet and asked for somebody to love you, you should have realized you were already fully loved.  As a little girl, you asked Jesus to be your Savior, but you thought that only meant that He would  save you from hell and death.  I wish you had realized at that moment you became His fully loved and fully righteous daughter.  You were given all the things you needed for godliness and a righteous life, you just didn't know it.  You also didn't realize  you no longer had to strive for God's love or try to be good enough to earn it.  I wish you had known you couldn't earn His love by anything you did or didn't do, you already had it.  I wish you had known that everything you were striving for, you already had.  I also wish you had realized that you didn't have to try to earn other people's love and approval.  The only approval you needed, you already had.  If you had realized how fully known and fully loved you were, you wouldn't have been striving for the things you wanted God to give you, you would have been free to simply pursue God for who He is!  You could have been free to love all your people with open hands, to enjoy them and not try to control them or hold them too tight.  I wish I could go back and tell you to put Christ first.  To pursue Him with all your heart, soul, and mind, and body, and then you could have loved your people and even your enemies better.  You wouldn't have been looking to them to complete you, but just to enjoy and love.  I wish you would have known this so you would have been a better role model to your boys, and not teach them that a relationship with God is all about what not to do, but rather teach them how much He loves them and how He will always be the perfect parent to them that their Dad and I never can be.  I wish I could have told you that money and things are meaningless, unless they are being used to help other people or further the kingdom.  I would have also told you not to be such a big scaredy cat!  I would have told you to trust God through it all.  I would have told you that you are going to go through some really hard times and great losses, but through it all God was good and faithful.  He had you in His arms the whole time!  Even in your mistakes, He has come through and is redeeming the broken places.  Sure, there have been consequences and scars from your sins, but God, in His infinite love and mercy, is redeeming the broken places and the losses.  That's another thing, I wish I could have told you that God is not trying to take away your freedom or fun, but that because He loves you so much, He didn't want you to have to bear the consequences He knew your sin would bring.  He wanted to spare you the pain.  His boundaries for sex, money, excess , and for your big ol' mouth, and everything else were for your good   His boundaries were like the bumpers on a bowling alley, just keeping you on the path to a full and fruitful life.  I wish you would have realized that all sin does lead to death, and every day you have a choice to choose life or death.  I think if you had really believed the truth you would have made way better choices.  Most of all, I would have told you to not be anxious, to enjoy the season you're in, drinking up all the good and the bad of the moments through the lens of eternity.  The small things are just blips on the way to a beautiful eternity and everything besides loving God and loving people is the small stuff. 

                                                                                                                   Yours truly, (haha)

                                                                                                   

 Your 58 year old self

Made for a Time Such as This

 

     Many thoughts have taken center stage in my mind over the past year or two, a musing of sorts, trying to figure out what the heck is going on?  Are we in unprecedented times or is this a recurrence of times past revisited?  After all, there is nothing new under the sun?  Right?  Sometimes, I think am I just getting old and bitter, like we thought our parents were in the 80's when they were complaining about Madonna and MTV?  What about Boy George?  I thought the 80's were perfect and everything was right in the world, was it because I never watched the news or because we didn't have social media?  I believe I heard that the 80's was a very dangerous time in America, more murders than ever before?  I also think in the 80's there was a sexual revolution going on, but I was totally unaware of it.  We can even go back before that and look at the 60's and 70's:  free love, sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.  Not to mention all the fall out and deaths from the Vietnam War, and the country was divided then too, right?  Even Covid, though it is a new virus, it is definitely not the first deadly virus, there have been others just as devastating, or even more devastating?  So, I guess the question I am posing is this, "Is the world getting progressively worse and worse, and if so, what is our hope?  What is your hope?  What is my hope?

      With truth being so distorted and fluid in our culture, I would like to refer to the only absolute truth I know, God's word, the Bible, to answer these questions.   In 2 Corinthians 5:1-10, it talks about how the whole creation groans as if in birthing pains, waiting until the day Christ returns and restores creation to it's original glory.  The way it was before sin entered the world.  Likewise, we have that same longing for eternity in our hearts.  As we age, we realize how short life on earth actually is, and we long for eternity, where we will live forever with our Creator.  The Bible also talks about the last days (the last days started after Christ's resurrection) saying, "But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying it's power.  Avoid such people...." 2 Timothy 3:1-17.  Then again in 2 Peter 3:3-4, "Knowing this first of all, that scoffers will come in the last days scoffing, following their own sinful desires.  They will say, "Where is the promise of His coming? For ever since the fathers fell asleep, all things are continuing as they were from the beginning of creation."  As for me, this sounds exactly like the world we are living in today.  However, other generations could have probably said the same thing.  So, my thoughts are centered around "birthing pains."   Any mother who has given birth knows all too well about birthing pains, they start out somewhat mild, and then they increase in intensity and become closer together.   I think (Bible scholars out there please correct me if I am wrong) that this means the world is getting worse and worse in intensity, with moments of relief in between, and the closer the end comes the more frequently we will be subjected to these hard times.  With that being said, that sounds ever so hopeless and grim, so please stick with me.......

     So, if it's true, we are always getting closer to the end times, and things will increasingly become more intense, what is our hope?  What is the silver lining?  What is our purpose in life to be?  Are we just to sit around and become doomsday preppers and hoard toilet paper? Are we to scowl at the generations before us, and think they have no hope?  Are we to stop having children, because you don't want them to have to live in times such as these? Are we to stop eating cows because of their emissions hurting the earth? (I'm being facetious) Absolutely NOT!  According to the Bible, as quoted by Matt Chandler, you and I were exactly wired and placed on the earth for such a time as this!  In Psalm 139:13-16, it says, "For you formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."   Also, in Acts 17:24, 26-27, it talks about how God not only uniquely formed you and gave you a specific purpose, He also placed you exactly where you are and in this specific moment of history.  "The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth..... made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward Him....He is actually not far from each one of us..."  

       So how are we to not only respond to the times in which we've been placed, but also thrive with joy in the times in which we've been placed??   First of all, without Christ, I absolutely see no hope.  I don't say that to sound harsh, but just to be truthful.  You can live this life for the day, seeking to satisfy your every want and need, having fleeting moments of pleasure, but that will ultimately leave you depleted and headed for death and separation from God.  In fact, when people purposefully turn away from God to seek their own way, He will eventually give them over to a retrobate mind, which means a morally corrupt, depraved person, foredained to damnation.  Christ doesn't want any of us to perish, and He wants us to be His child, but if we refuse that love, He will give us what we want, a life without Him.  We are definitely living in a world that has turned it's back on God, living by their truth instead of God's, calling evil good and good evil.  We are to pray earnestly for those people to turn back to God.  We are to be light in the darkness.  We are called to love those in our path.  God has given us such great blessings in this world and those are to be enjoyed fully, but He has also given us boundaries for our safety and for our good.  It is only when we think we know better than God, that those things can be abused.  As for Christians, we have a great hope, both for now and for the future.  When we set our trust and faith in Christ,  we have the Holy Spirit living within us.  We never have to experience this life alone.  We have a great Comforter who is always with us in the darkest of times.  He guides our paths and works everything for our good.  We can have peace and joy in the middle of hard times because of those truths, and we know that Christ conquered sin and death for us.  We have the hope of living with God for all of eternity, so we become spiritually minded, and set our mind on whatever is lovely, whatever is noble, whatever is pure...  We set our hope on Christ.  It makes the Christian life an exciting life, where our purpose is clear to seek Christ, to know and trust Him more, and to share Him with the world.  Matt Chandler said it best in his book Take Heart, "God has uniquely wired you with specific gifts and tendencies, and uniquely placed you where you live, work and play in order to give you unique opportunities to speak to those he's lined up for you to meet about the God who has done all this.  God could have given today's church an Augustine, a Martin Luther, a Jonathan Edwards, an Amy Carmichael, a C.H. Spurgeon, an Elisabeth Elliot.....  But He didn't.  He gave today's church, in this age of unbelief, you and me.  That's our calling.  That's our privilege.  That's our responsibility."  How dang exciting is that!!!!  We were put here to make a difference for Christ, and that should leave us never bored, because we definitely have our work cut out for us.  For you were made for such a time as this..........

Guard Your Heart

     God willing, the pandemic may be coming to an end soon.  Last year was an unprecedented perfect storm.  A storm of disease, of political and racial upheaval, and of disparaging division not just between political parties, but also in the Church and between families and friends.  Trump became the scape goat for it all, but he was just a pawn in this thing we call life.  The storm had been brewing for a long time now, and most of us were caught totally by surprise.  To be honest, this storm started with the fall of man, when sin entered our world.  From that time on, there has been a war for our hearts.  From the beginning, God has had a sovereign plan for redemption of all creation.  He created all things for Him and by Him to glorify His name.  Not because He is a narcissistic god, but because He knows He is all good and all knowing and that He truly is the only way to true fulfillment.  He left that eternity shaped hole in our hearts that can be satisfied with NOTHING and NO ONE but Him, and one day it will all be consummated in the eradication of all evil and of all unbelievers, and those who are left will bask in His glory forever and ever in a new heaven and a new earth.  That is His sovereign plan.  We could never merit such a glorious ending, we could never be holy enough to abide in such a place, so He made a way for that as well.  He died a horrific, grotesque death on a cross so that all who believe could be made holy before His Father, holy so that we could bask in His glory forevermore.  Even creation is groaning for that day.  In its fallen state, it too waits for a time to be made right again.  It's almost too good to imagine, and yet, whether you believe it or not, it is true.  

     Yet, man continues to think that our plan is greater than God's plan.  We continue to try to be mini gods and control our lives every time we are disobedient.  We take the good things God has given us, food, creation, sex, family, friends, money, positions of authority, leadership, laws, life, art, literature, music, entertainment and we  take them outside of the boundaries God has given us for our good and for the good of mankind.  In our fallen nature, and with the deceitful murmurings of the spirit of darkness, we pervert the things God gave us to enjoy.  That is what has brought us to this place in history, not Donald Trump, not Joe Biden, and not this crazy virus.  It is our messed up hearts, and I'm not just talking about nonbelievers.  I am talking about the Church as well.  Some of us, think we know better than God, and have twisted the Bible to say what we want it to say, as the Bible says, "to tickle our ears."   Some are calling evil things good, and good evil.  It is all so twisted.  If you turn on your television or computer, and if you have eyes to see, in five seconds you will just see how twisted we have become.  The problem is we have become so immune to the darkness around us, that it is becoming normal.  We have let it creep in due to our own desires.   Mankind is arrogant enough to think they know better than God!  

     I always ask myself, "How did we get to this place?"  And the answer is, we let our hearts be deceived. We allowed people to question the inerrancy of the Bible, we softened the Gospel, we took God's grace and mercy for granted, and we became mini fake gods.  We developed our own individual truth, instead of the Truth.  We traded in the model car of our dreams for a hoopty!  Look at people's faces when they start talking about politics, and they become extremely ugly.  Turn on your TV, and all you will see is division, scoffing, namecalling, sexual deviance, murder, lies, pursuit of wealth at all costs.  It's truly ugly, and we want to wrap it in a big beautiful bow and call it amazing!!  

     So what can we as Christians do?  How do we bring light to such a dark world?  First of all, we fall on our faces and repent of our part in the whole mess.  Then, we turn from the darkness toward Christ and we trust Him to be our God, to love Him with our whole hearts, soul, and mind, and to love our neighbors as ourself.  We stop being consumed by selfishness, and look outside ourselves and allow God to guide us in our lives.  We live, with God's grace and the help of the Holy Spirit, within His boundaries for us.  We trust that His word is true and perfect for our reproof and correction.  We pray unceasingly that God would fill our souls with love for one another, even for those who don't believe, so that they might believe too.  People are always saying, "God hurry and come back."  Which I look forward to that day as well, but too many people I love are not ready, so I pray God please wait until more believe.  I pray for a revival of not just our nation but of the whole world.  God is not slow in coming, He is giving us more time.  My hope and prayer is that God will have mercy on us and more ears and eyes will be opened to His goodness and grace, and that we can return to Him and enjoy our fellowship together.  We can truly love each other through Christ and the darkness can be overcome.  Just be diligent my friends and guard your hearts.

 

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

      To say we are living in a season of fear and anxiety is an understatement of extreme proportions.  Webster's dictionary defines fear as an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.  There are many legitimate reasons to be fearful in 2020.  There is the fear of the virus taking a loved one,  fear of a loss of healthcare,  fear of poverty and economic demise, fear of climate change,  the fear of  political unrest,  fear of social injustice, fear of  not being heard or worse killed,  fear of loss of our freedoms,  fear of loneliness, and fear of what a post Christian culture could look like, and I could go on and on.  I think you get the point, there is a plethora of reasons to be afraid in this season.  I believe that fear brings out the ugliest portions of our heart and causes us to say and do things we never imagined we would do.  I have acted out of fear many times this year, and yet the Bible says over and over, "Fear not."  So I've had to ask myself, "What is at the core of my fear?"

     I think my initial fear at the beginning of this pandemic was that I  feared the loss of control I thought I had over my life (not that I ever really had control in the first place).  My very breath and yours is and has always been totally dependent on Christ's sovereignty. Nonetheless, the fear of no control was probably my immediate fear.  I also feared isolation and loneliness.  Being newly retired,  I was already missing my North Georgia friends, and then when the shut down started I was missing all human contact.  Dudley and Jackson were gone most of the day, and Cole had newly moved out, and so retirement and an almost empty nest coincided, leaving me more isolated than I have ever been or ever want to be.  It seemed like overnight I went from a house always filled with rambunctious boys to me, my 80 pound lab, and my 17 year old diapered poodle. However, my absolute worst fear has been the lack of fear in our culture and even in some churches for God.  Deconstruction, Progressive Christianity, Universalism are words I had never heard before.  As I have had ample time to study all of these ideas, it has become very apparent to me that there is this ever so subtle chipping away at the Bible and the Gospel, creating a Gospel to "tickle our ears."  Growing up in the south and in the Bible belt, I never heard someone question any aspect of the Bible.  Most people believed in the Bible, believed in God, believed in the Church.  It was our absolute in a life of vicarious uncertainty.  It was my absolute for sure.  As a young girl, I would carry my Bible in my purse.  I wasn't necessarily reading it, but it was like a security blanket to me. I have always taken it on almost every trip I've ever taken.  I have always believed every single word of it.  There are concepts that I haven't understood of course, and will always be grappling with those this side of eternity, but overall, it is Truth.  Christ is Truth.  Has there always been obedience?  Of course not, especially during a time of extreme rebellion against God.  I felt that God loved everyone but me, had died for everyone but me, and that He did not care for me.  I felt rejected by God, and what pursued was not pretty.  I went on a desperate search for love and acceptance, forgetting all the while I had had it all along.  Some skeptics would say, "So it was your crutch because you weren't strong enough to live your life on your own merit."  To that I would say, "It was not my crutch, but my identity. " When I became God's daughter, nothing else mattered.  With increasing realization of who I am in Christ through the years, I have learned to trust, respect, and love Him more and more.   So when people try to change what the Word says to fit their lifestyle or their narrative I become very upset, because it threatens to shake the rock on which I stand.  

      Depending on what side of the political viewpoints you may fall, I dare to say you have feared the other side.  Democrats have feared Trump would become some kind of dictator, feared they would lose the ability to get insurance, feared he didn't take the virus seriously enough.  Republicans have feared loss of freedoms, especially religious freedoms.  They have feared the aborting of millions more babies, and with the devaluing of life, loss of lives of the elderly or disabled, and fear of financial disaster, and fear of socialism.  I think both sides have been looking to their political leaders to rescue them from this cataclysmic catastrophe of 2020.  With hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of prayers going up for President Trump, I truly believed he would win the presidency this year.  The hype was so huge.  I imagined God coming in to do the impossible once again, and ushering in a win for Republican Christians everywhere.  I also imagined, people like Cuomo, who had mocked Christ on several occasions would be left speechless.  If I'm honest, I felt a huge defeat when this didn't happen.  In my fleshly mind, I thought God this was so a huge chance for you to show your power.  Then again, I imagine plenty of Democrat Christians had prayed for their candidate as well, and may believe God did usher in a victory.  But just like me, I think with either win we are all setting ourselves up for a huge disappointment if we are putting our hope in any politician.  They are not our Savior.  I reminded myself how mad I got at Cuomo for saying God didn't flatten this curve, New Yorkers did....  I was so infuriated!  But was I doing the same thing when I thought Trump was going to save us from this mess??

     All of this got me to thinking about the Jewish people and how they had been waiting for a Savior, a King.   They had their own preconceived ideas of how He would come and how he would rescue them from captivity, and yet He was nothing like they expected.  That is why His own people did not recognize Him.  They were waiting for a King to rescue them from their enemies, but Christ came as a mere baby in a manger to rescue them from their sins.  All through the Old Testament, it was prophesied how He would come, through what lineage He would come, how He would be rejected and mocked, beaten, crucified on a cross, born of a virgin.  All the signs were there but they missed Him because they were waiting on Him to rescue them in their way not His, and here I am doing the same exact thing.  Jesus please forgive me.  Please teach me to look to YOU and YOU ALONE to rescue me, to be my one and only Hope.  Christ loves us perfectly.  He wants to do us good and not harm, even if that means going through fearful times.  For He knows that some things need to be stripped away for us to look to Him for our Hope, our Salvation, our Redemption, our Joy.  If we are feeling fearful or disappointed it is because we have put our hope in something or someone besides Christ.  Thanks be to God, we can repent!  We can fall on our faces and ask forgiveness and turn and put all our Hope in Christ.  His perfect love will drive out our fear of everything.  We are His children, when we put our faith in Him.  Nothing can separate us from His love.  I pray the country will get back to normal, but even if it doesn't, my hope will rest in Christ.  I'm tired of trying to be my own mini god, I stink at it.  I need the one true God, and as His children we are all one.  There is no male or female, black or white, rich or poor, but one in Christ.  Jesus is our only true hope of restoration and peace.  May we all turn to Him in 2021.