God, Are We Ok?

In the last five years,  I've had a lot of time for contemplation.   Really, it's the first time I've really had this much freedom to think since my teens,  college, marriage, my sons, and 31 years of work.  This period of deep soul searching came after leaving a work family I loved (still love) with all my heart, and after losing my sweet mom, and becoming an empty nester.   To say the tears have been many is quite the understatement, ask anybody that has been around me.  Nonetheless, it has been a very sweet time of alone time with God.  I think I've learned more about my relationship with Him in the last five years than I have my entire life.  But with that learning, one big question kept coming to my mind, "God, are we ok?"

Really, left on our own, none of us are OK.  We are all sinners, all imperfect people, totally lost without Jesus.  Christ said, "There are none righteous, no not one."  Not one of us has ever been good enough to merit God's love and the sacrifice of His Son on the cross.  I've never had any trouble accepting this idea. I have always been well aware of the depth of my depravity.  However, my walk with God has not sounded like the typical testimony of other Christians, or at least I don't think it has.   In fact, it has sounded more like the Israelites and their wandering around in the desert.  Or was my story more like the prodigal in the Bible, where the son leaves the father and spends all his inheritance on worldly pleasures and ends up eating with the pigs in the muck and mire, finally, returning to the father to be accepted back into the family.  Or was I more like the different types of soil, where the seeds fell on rocky ground, and the thorns and thistles choke it out, where it didn't produce anything?  Or throughout my life, have I been all of those?  I would have to say I have been all of those, and coming to that realization, I started questioning my salvation.  Thus the question, "God, are we ok?  So here's my feeble attempt and God's amazing, overwhelming, unmerited grace in answering that question.

I was blessed to be born into a Christian home.  Sadly, my dad died in Vietnam before I ever was able to have a memory of him, which left me with this longing heart for a father.  My dear mother tried to fill that whole in every way she could with her unconditional love and her constant presence.  She was always there for us, always.  Her other gift to me and my sister was to have us in church from the day we were born.  I don't ever remember not believing in Jesus.  I loved Him as a little girl.  I loved learning about Him, singing Jesus Loves Me, going to church.  It gave me a sense of belonging and safety. So, in first grade I was baptized, I believed in Jesus and of His death on the cross for me.  I was thrilled!  That day, I invited my friend to accept Jesus too, and told her about how she could be saved as well.  I wanted everyone to know Christ.

Things went well for a while, until I started feeling this nagging feeling that things weren't quite right.  There was this growing sense of insecurity and fear.  I had always had extreme separation anxiety from my mom.  No matter how many bedrooms we had in our house, my mom, sister, and I always slept in the same bed.  Also, I would never spend the night away from home.  At night, when it got quiet, I would make mom tell me stories until I fell asleep.  That way I could be sure she was still alive.  I think part of that fear came from losing my dad, but I was also terrified I would be an orphan one day.  Also, my exposure to the world wasn't really filtered as it should be for a child.  I feel like I was exposed to everything at an early age.  Things like my mom's boyfriend's "ex" coming to our front door with a gun screaming and cussing at my mom for holding her son, or the time my mom wanted me to fall asleep, and so when this salesman in a trench coat came to our door, she told me he was a robber to be quiet and go to bed!  I was petrified!  There was also a time when my friends and I were playing in the woods, and came upon who we thought to be a dead woman!  (She was homeless and had fallen asleep in the woods).  And all this was before 2nd grade! I would do things like carry my Bible around with me, or pray, but I was still very scared.  I think what really upped my fears though was this very well-meaning play at church where people were thrown into hell, screaming and crying if they had lived bad lives or welcomed into heaven, if they had lived good lives (or that's how I understood it as a child).  Even at a young age, I knew I was far from perfect.  Therefore, my great love for Jesus slowly became a great fear of God settling into my soul.  The sense that I wasn't good enough for His love was always in the back of my mind.

In my elementary years, there were numerous moves.  First from Texas to Tennessee, then numerous moves around Chattanooga.  We started out in the Lake Shore area in a house that we clearly could not afford.  For one year, we lived in a 5 bedroom house near the dam, even though we all slept in the same room.  Mom lost most of her money in that house and the furniture she bought to fill it.  The house was sold, along with most of the furniture, all at a great loss.  We then started a series of moves through various duplexes and apartments, I think before my senior year we had moved 13 times, which radically increased my insecurity.  Luckily, I only had to change schools 7 times.  So on top of the fear and insecurity, a feeling of great loss was added, creating the perfect storm.  I was constantly having to make new friends, and I became a major people pleaser.  

In third grade, I was in church every time the doors were open.  We went to Sunday school, the morning service, the night service, choir practice, GA's, and was involved in things like Bible drills and every other activity that took place.  However, that same year, I was also introduced to the unsupervised world known as the skating rink.  When I wasn't in church, I was at the skating rink with kids of all ages.  That was my first real exposure to boys and everything else.  Actually, my exposure to boys started at a much earlier age.  Growing up I remember watching daily soap operas with my mom and Elvis movies.  I truly believe this is where the idea that a handsome knight in shining armor would be the answer to all my insecurities and fears.  I kind of think that is what the American dream has always tried to sell us.  Think about it....  You grow up to be a good girl, you make yourself as attractive as you can, you search for a loving, kind, handsome man that will cherish you and make you his wife, taking care of all your needs and eventually  you have perfect children, who will all surround you with love and laughter and security. Needless to say, as these ideas took root in my brain, God slowly became the means to the end.  I would be a good Christian girl and in exchange God would give me a good Christian boy who would be the answer to all my problems.  It is a delusion that many people fall for, and when that delusion falls apart, all heck breaks loose, just watch Dateline and you'll know it is true.  (Not that Dudley wasn't a good Christian boy, but he was not supposed to be God to me)

Therefore, entering junior high I was longing for all things Americana; popularity, fun, boys, and to be accepted.  Luckily, at my school that meant being a Christian and being a good girl.  So, my relationship with God became kind of  hypocritical.  I was starting to try to be my own god.  I was making decisions that lined up with my dream and not with God's will for my life.  I didn't realize it at that time, I truly thought I was following Christ, but really I was following Christ for what I thought He would provide for me, which is a huge recipe for disaster.  My security was wrapped up in what other's thought of me, of having a boyfriend, of having lots of friends.  In other words,  my security was in everything but Christ.  So when things were good, I was great, and when things were bad, I was as close to being suicidal as you can be.  It was an extremely wild rocky road that eventually led to a total breakdown and rebellion in my mid teenage years.  I literally remember saying to myself, "They think this is bad, I'll show them bad!"   Thus starting a severe two year rebellion I'm very surprised I survived.  

Lots of events started that two year rebellion.  I had experienced so much rejection (at least in my mind).  Everything I had previously been involved in at school was gone.  I started missing school a lot.  My mom had almost died and had been admitted to the hospital for a little over a month, and my sister and I were living alone in our apartment.  I was pretty much totally dependent on friends for rides and food.  I was petrified and started drinking heavily.  I just didn't care.  I felt like there was no way God could still love me, I loathed myself.  By the time mom returned home, I was at rock bottom.  I finally got to the end of myself and realized I could not be my own savior (or at least I thought I had).   I needed God in a huge way.  So, I remember falling on my face one night and praying to God, "Please save me God, please show me that you still love me. Please send me someone that can show me your love."  Soon after that, God would answer that prayer.  What I still didn't realize then was that I was still wanting someone or something else to be my savior."  

God answered that prayer by sending me Dudley and his family.  Dudley was super strong, protective, hilarious, handsome, and he treated me so well.  We had gone on one date years before, and I had made him mad by not being at home when he came to pick me up for our second date (I had left word with my mom for him to pick me up at a friends).  I guess he thought that was really disrespectful (it kind of was) and so he remained friends with me, but never asked me out again.  Which I think that was providential as well, because  I really think God knew that I would have to go through so much before I could get to a place where I could settle down.  So this time, I pursued Dudley, until I finally caught him:). After that next first date, we were never apart!  Ever!  We have so many great memories for that time of our lives, growing our relationship and figuring out life.  Dudley's parents were the icing on the cake.  They treated me like their own and loved my mom and sister too.  Betsy was super special.  She was the most Christ like woman I had ever known.  She was so graceful, loving, hard working, self sacrificing, disciplined, and truly the most giving, nonjudgemental person I had ever met.  She lived what she believed, and her actions more than her words taught me what it looked like to really live a Christ like life.  

So, that is exactly what I set out to do, I would live like Betsy.  You can imagine my frustration with that.  I couldn't be Betsy, because I'm not Betsy.  I also couldn't live like Christ by sheer discipline and self effort, NOBODY CAN!  In the Bible Belt, that is basically what we were taught in the 70's and 80's; we were taught don't drink, don't smoke, don't have sex, go to church, sing the songs, carry the Bible...... (or that's the way I heard it)

None of those things can save you.  But that's what I knew, and I set out once again in my own strength to accomplish a Christlike life.  Even though Dudley and I were married, going to church, living moral lives (from the outside at least), I was still feeling super shame over my rebellious years, and failing miserably at living a Christian life.  I had made an idol out of my husband, then my children, and any other thing I relied on for my security, love, happiness......  I thought I loved God with my whole heart, but there was still something missing.  A huge gap in my heart.  I wanted the American dream more than I wanted God.  I wanted and pursued God for what He could give me instead of for Him and Him only.  I was still trying to be my own savior and living life pretty much exactly like I wanted too.  I was like the Israelites roaming around in the desert, enjoying time with Dudley and my boys, but my relationship with God was still filled with fear, worry, and doubt.  I never doubted God's existence, or in Jesus's death an resurrection from the cross, and on the infallibility of the Bible.  I 100% believed all those things and knew they were my only hope in life, but there was no peace in my heart.  

For a long time, I dwelled in the happiness of my family, with a silent storm brewing underneath the surface.  We were having the best time!  Our boys filled my heart with the greatest joy and love.  I have always thought they were perfect (which I don't suggest for anybody because it puts way too much pressure on them).  A mother and son's love is very special.  My love for them showed me how much God must love me.  It also showed me how much was sacrificed by the Father and Son on the cross for sin.  Yet, my fears grew even more.  How could I survive the loss of my husband or one of my precious boys?  In the first part of my life, I had made my mom my idol and savior.  Then, I had made Dudley, and now my boys.  Our families are given to us as blessings, but they are only on loan to us, they are God's children first, ours second.  They are not to replace God.  You are not to find your security or identity in your family, that is reserved for God, and Him only. We can love our family the way they are supposed to be loved when we love God most, then His love can flow through us to them.  Otherwise, a parent's love is selfish.  I regret that I didn't learn this when they were little, but God is so good, even though my life was a wreck inside, I believe He protected my boys from all my mistakes, well most of them anyway.  The biggest mistake I made is that I didn't demonstrate how to put God first.  I didn't know how much sin I was living in as far as idolatry, falsehood, and other less noticeable sins.  I was trying to look good on the outside when my heart was still not right.  I was trying to live a godly life from a place of fear and not from a place of love.  I didn't know God rightly, although through the years in His own timing He began to reveal Himself to me, slowly but surely.  

Things in our family began to fall apart right before my retirement.  Everyone I loved, including myself, was going through major trials and frightening situations.  Anxiety permeated throughout our family.  But in the trials, God drew close.  He was there when Betsy and Ray died. and then again when my mom died, I had never felt His presence more in those moments.  My worst nightmares were being imagined and yet God was good.  That was the beginning of the melting of my heart.  Because my anxiety was at an all time high, I felt it was the right time to retire and be home with my family.  I loved my job, but I was an hour a way and I felt like they needed me more than ever.  After the death of our parents,  Dudley and I found ourselves having to be true grownups.  It brought about so many questions about our own lives, mine more than Dudley's.  So there was this time of looking back, and I didn't like what I saw within me.  I set out on a journey to really know God.  So I spent a lot of time reading my Bible through for the first time in my life, going to Bible studies, going back to the church where I had my rebellion, and pursuing God with my whole heart.  NOW, I had finally gotten to the end of myself.  I could not save myself, I could not forgive my guilt and shame, I could not love people rightly, I needed Christ more than I needed anything else.  It only took me 55 years to figure that out!  God has blessed me in so many ways since then.  My heart is at peace, most of the time.  I know who I am now (most of the time) and I depend on people way less for my security (even though I'm still a work in progress).  I finally believe God's death on the cross erased my sins and so now I can live like they are erased.  I fear a lot less, because I finally believe in God's goodness.  I finally, don't just believe in Him, I believe everybody believes in Him, but I finally trust Him.  He is my Savior, My Redeemer, My friend, My Security, My Everything.  I tell you all this, because I don't want you to go through 55 years of struggle and putting your faith in the wrong things before you find Him too. Ask yourself what do I put my trust in?  Really think about it, pray about it, pray for God to let you know Him.  Nothing else can bring you security, freedom, unfailing love, and eternal life.  Not even the best of things...  God gave us two final commands;  Love the Lord your God with your whole heart, soul, and mind and Love your neighbor as yourself......  Make that your pursuit.